Category Archives: Humour

What ACTUALLY Happens At Indo-Pak Talks

Ever wondered what happens when India and Pakistan meet in foreign secretary-level talks? Here goes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SALMAN BASHIR: Yo India! How’s it hanging? Err. What’s up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NIRUPAMA RAO: All good, dude. Apart from a few scams here and there and Karunanidhi’s constant whining over Kanimozhi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M KARUNANIDHI: SAVE KANIMOZHI. :-|

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL! :D Anyway, getting back to business. So what are India’s claims this time?

Oh, as if our previous demands have been met? What about bringing the perpetrators of Mumbai to justice? That dude Hafiz Saeed gives speeches as if Pakistan is his father-in-law’s country…! Is it his father-in-law’s country, by the way?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M KARUNANIDHI: SAVE KANIMOZHI. :-|

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RAVI SHASTRI: In the end, cricket is the winner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hehe, that’s what you think! In the end, ISI is the winner. ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

M KARUNANIDHI: SAVE KANIMOZHI. :-|

 

DUDE, KALAIGNAR. WTF! Hold on Bashir, you ain’t going anywhere. I’ve got this under control. Chill.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHAH RUKH KHAN: Arey, wah! This kind of nonsense goes on at Indo-Pak talks?! Damn. Anyway, I AM THE NUMBER ONE ‘NUMBER ONE CROWN SEEKING’ GUY, at least. Hee hee. Die Aamir.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WELCOME TO IPL 5!! *fireworks*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BABA RAMDEV: The best way to solve our problems is Fast Unto Death. Also the only way to cure homosexuality is through breathing, which actually means breathing air from one guy to another. Or smooching…..Also…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s raced away to the boundary like a tracer bullet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is going on?! Somebody get me outta here…! OSAMAAA, where art thou?

The World Peace Religious Symbol

Intellectuals and pseudo-intellectuals all over this world’s greatest superpower-wannabe, India, have written about various religious symbols and why we must work hard to either offend them or NOT offend them. Now which ever side of the argument you are on, I must offer you the complete freedom to make fun of my religious symbol.

Rupa Frontline Underwear (And Banyan).

rupafrontline

Yes, this is my religious symbol. Now before I get into further details explaining this pious deity, let me clarify what a religious symbol exactly is.

‘Something’ you have to worship everyday, ‘something’ you must pay heed to when you wake up from a drunken night’s sleep, ‘something’ you have to value more than anything else in your cupboard, ‘something’ that must be with you everyday. The only problem with this religious symbol is that you can’t carry around the same deity everyday. Change one deity for a duplicate deity, and life’s good.

And hence nothing qualifies more so, in my life at least, than Rupa Frontline.

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Yeh Aaram Ka Maamla Hai is the accompanying prayer. My religious symbol offers no compulsion to say the prayer everyday but it is recommended that the prayer be said so that whatever maamla you are involved in has a lot of aaram too. And mind you, Rupa Frontline has answered all my prayers. Simply because it is always there, everyday.

You can even buy this religious symbol [here], and make it your own. And pray everyday to it. While the symbol of peace and religion (?) is largely white, Rupa Frontline offers varieties in several colours (including pink) and you can see why the union of Rupa Frontline with World Peace is inevitable. [Last I checked, World Peace is NOT an undergarments brand. Yet.]

And I’m not too touchy about my religious symbol. You can make fun of my religious symbol and you will not find me amassing foot soldiers of the Rupa Frontline Protection Army (RFPA) to burn your house down or kidnap your mother-in-law or something like that.

All Time Number One Bollywood actor Shah Rukh Khan, who is himself seen as a symbol of religious unity across the world [here], agrees with me entirely. “I agree with you, dude”, he says while opening his arms wide (the one where the arms go in opposite directions directly parallel to the below-the-belt area and perpendicular to the ground) for the 2,23,417th time for a movie scene he is currently shooting.

So, in the spirit of fairness and the spirit of Fair-N-Handsome creams, I firmly believe that the best way to a peaceful world is the adoption of Rupa Frontline as a universal religious symbol by the thousands and millions of human beings (and Uday Choprian creatures).

Buy now!

PS: Rupa has a YouTube channel, too.

[Pictures Courtesy: Google Search]

There’s Always Something You Can Do

indiaflag
First of all, a very happy Independence Day to you.

It’s a dry day, I know. And that’s all that matters. Really. And a dry Sunday, at that. If you have cheekily stocked up on your booze, then more power to you. But all the expletives in the world can’t express your, otherwise, general frustration, can they?

Don’t worry. There’s always something you can do. To keep you busy on a boring Sunday without booze, da. Or on all such days.

1) Stone Kicking

The naughty folks (read ‘separatists’) in Kashmir believe in throwing stones at the Indian Army to keep them away from the streets of Srinagar and other cities and towns in the state. You, on the other hand, can kick stones. Yes, kick.

Areyyy, the ones that lie ‘harmlessly’ on public roads, the ones waiting to come into contact with the wheel of a vehicle and spring themselves at an innocent passer-by to hit him/her on the head. You can kick them away into the side, if you are crossing the road, or the road is empty.

2) Google Doodle!

Got a whole lot of free time to spare? Well, keep all your free time. Google wants just a few seconds of your time. The Google India website, every year, comes up with wonderful doodles that lead to mind-boggling admiration from Indians. And this year too, they are true to their promise.

Nothing wrong. Google’s doodles are something I’ve enjoyed all along. And you should too. Oh, once you are done taking a look at the doodle, you can obviously proceed to search for ‘Shakeela hot bath kiss’ or ‘Sherlyn nude’. Shakti Kapoor takes Google Doodles very seriously, you know. [Picture: Shakti Kapoor’s seriousness] [Picture courtesy: Greatbong]

3) View Independence Day-themed advertisements

One thing I enjoy doing on Independence Day is to take a look at how corporates have brilliantly placed the Indian tricolour very strategically in their ads.

Most ads would go like – ‘Proud to be an Indian. Wear Rupa Underwear & Banyan’ – making the viewer feel apologetic of not attaching with the cause. And the country. Even though you may be very (and rightly) attached with your currently used brand of innerwear.

For example, you could view The Times Of India’s website for starters. The wonderfully astute designers and editors at TOI are usually quick to vomit the three colours on their website as if to make you feel you are jumping into a swimming pool of Indianness. And drowning, of course.

4) Clean up the flags

It’s Independence Day. Time to flaunt the Indianness. I promise to buy an India flag, an India pin, an India cap, an India T-shirt and Uday Chopra jeans. Hey, there are no India jeans. Spare me, please. Except, I won’t really be buying all this.

But I promise I will clean the street. All these purchased flags that have slipped away from their owners, will of course lie on the streets of the same country they are a symbol of. So much for not keeping our cities clean, we tend to dirty our cities with our own flags.

Thank you for the love and patriotism you displayed when purchasing the damn thing, but I’d certainly not like seeing the tricolour on the road. In all seriousness.

Anyway, Independence Day be good to you and your family. Happy, also.

aarti
And please do remember – there’s always something you can do.

[Picture courtesy: Real Bollywood]

How We Can Save The Commonwealth Games

The 2010 Commonwealth Games. The pride of New Delhi. The pride of India.

Except, it doesn’t seem to have turned out quite like that. Now, I’m not interested in doing a critique of the scandals and shame surrounding the Commonwealth Games to be held in October in our capital. That is best left to institutions like the Anti-Corruption Bureau.

But I have sincerely pondered over what we, the common people of India (also throw in some celebrities for good measure), can do in assisting dear old Suresh Kalmadi arrange the Commonwealth Games and ensure our nose doesn’t get cut (or bitten, if you like). Nah, only the Hindi version makes sense. Hamara naak na kat jaaye. Kat, FYI, is not Katrina Kaif.

And there really is a lot we can do.

toiletpaper
For starters, I was dumbstruck to learn that India forked out Rs. 3,757 per roll of toilet paper to be consumed, err, used by athletes [Link]. To this overspending, I offer a simple solution – donate your newspapers. I’m sure you’ve stockpiled enough editions of the Times of India, Hindustan Times, Indian Express, The Hindu, Mirror, Mid-Day etc (add to the list, if you like, via comments. Tabloids preferred) that you could willingly donate to the Commonwealth Games Committee. No other place will they be better used than in the toilets.

sherlyn1
Yes, you can cut out that bikini-clad picture of a Sherlyn Chopra (okay not the Sherlyn of 1999, back then she was genuinely beautiful and sexy) or a Kashmera Shah and stick it on your hostel cupboard or behind your attached toilet’s door (if you live with your parents) and then proceed to donate the papers. You can always apply for tax returns, and fill the reason in the form as ‘serving the country with toilet paper substitutes’. Oh, that doesn’t refer just to the Times of India.

I assure you Kalmadi will be thrilled. And wait, we can please him further.

uday
The country has planned to rent treadmills at Rs. 9,75,000 a piece for 45 days. I believe this is another area where we can pitch in. Okay, not us. But the ‘special men’ of India can. This is a golden opportunity for the likes of Uday Chopra, Shahid Kapoor, Tusharr Kapoor and Viiveik Obeiiroiiii (excuse the number of ‘i’s in Oberoi’s name, I’m not sure how many there are since his latest name change) can serve the country by lending us some treadmills from their fancy, in-house gymnasiums (funded by their fathers?).

In return, I’m sure Kalmadi and the Government of India can offer them national film awards (for example, Uday Chopra is an awesome candidate to win the award for his upcoming blockbuster ‘Being Uday’) or Padma Shri awards to ensure their rise in the country. Or just Padmas, if they like.

One more area.

blimp
The CWG organisers are considering installing a Rs. 50 crore-worth balloon outside the Nehru Stadium in Delhi [Link]. Now, where will we get such a massive one? This is one dilemma. I suggest we save costs by approaching Shri Lalit Kumar Modi and asking him to offer the services of the MRF Blimp (much seen during the IPL, or not seen at all). Of course, the MRF can be replaced by the Hand of the Indian National Congress. Because without their blessings, this great event wouldn’t have been possible.

I’m sure Modi will ask amounts as audacious as his proclamation that Formula One should aspire to get a fan following as huge as the Indian Premier League. But we can distract him by offering him extra cheerleaders for next year’s IPL. And you know where we can get these cheerleaders – South Indian B-grade film industry for starters. Just imagine how brilliant a Shakeela or a Reshma will do on the grand stage of the IPL. Massive inspiration on the cards. Massive. Oh, here’s an old post on the IPL [Link] for your entertainment.

So, these are some of the ideas that would make Kalmadi proud of you.

kalmadi
Yes, we can.

Undo it.